Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
