Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
