i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
