I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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