i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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