i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Randomize
