You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
You are a genius and a whore.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
