I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
