I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
