all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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