I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
