god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
