well I can't set my house on fire every night
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
