Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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