I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Couch. On fire.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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