It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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