Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
