i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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