Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
