Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
