Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
