He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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