I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Randomize
