he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Randomize
