My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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