my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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