Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
