i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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