I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
