When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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