She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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