ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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