my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
