The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
