Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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