My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
