He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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