saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
