Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
