great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
