If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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