who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
