You're a womanizer and a bitch.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
