you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I think weed is turning my hair brown
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
