the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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