I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
