don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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