I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
