Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
