why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
