you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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