I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
