you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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